I'm back in my flat now. I must say it's rather odd. I've been away for a few months (well quite a few months) and now I'm back. But they let me have paper, so I've written some new material.
I've seen Graham again, and we've written a new song together, amazingly. It's in the same vein as 'I Keep The One I Love In The Freezer' - I worry about Graham's ideas sometimes! He seems so normal on the outside. I'm going to try and record a demo asap so you can hear it.
When I started this blog, I intended to record four albums' worth of Empty Vessel by myself. I don't think I can do that any more, and I don't think I really want to. Deep breath. I - think - it - might - be - time - to - move - on. There, I've said it. My therapist should be very proud of me.
So having said that, here's the real bombshell. Zed never actually existed. He was imaginary. The Empty Vessel never had more than four members. The guitar on the early tracks, just like on the later tracks, was me. I wasn't deliberately trying to deceive anyone, you understand. I really thought he was real...but he wasn't.
My therapist thinks that I was projecting my insecurities about playing the guitar on to a fictional construct. I guess the idea is that if people complained about it, I could blame someone else. Or something. I don't really know.
The good news is this: I'm friends again with Graham. He's been a true friend through all of this. And I've seen Jen several times, and I don't want to say anything much about that because I don't want to prejudice anything. I've even met up with Beth again - once. That was interesting.
And the best news of all is that I'm putting a band together again, at last. I have another vocalist lined up who's better than me - I am hoping this will take some of the stress of live performance away. And I have a bassist, and maybe a drummer. I can't persuade Graham at present - but who knows?
Sunday 25 October 2009
Sunday 15 February 2009
No harm appears to have been done
I don't really know what happened. I've no idea what the post before last was all about, or even where I was when I posted it. I've been in Oxford, that much is clear, but where I stayed and what I did I have no memory of.
Deep breath. Move on. These things happen. I'm building solid foundations going forward now, I'm back in touch with old friends - and listen: I'm not going to let anything take that away from me again.
I've finished work completely on Neal's songs for 'Pieces' - the Electronic Voice Phenomenon mini-album. You can hear them all here: http://bands.fournotes.co.uk/Pieces.html. Neal's mate Phil is going to do some photos for the album too, and it won't be 'officially' released until it all comes together. I'm pretty pleased with the vocals, and even some of the guitar playing.
I'm now full speed ahead on 'Humanisation', a new 'Empty Vessel' song. It's all about the dehumanising effect that religion can sometimes have: and I know all about that. Been there, got the t-shirt.
Deep breath. Move on. These things happen. I'm building solid foundations going forward now, I'm back in touch with old friends - and listen: I'm not going to let anything take that away from me again.
I've finished work completely on Neal's songs for 'Pieces' - the Electronic Voice Phenomenon mini-album. You can hear them all here: http://bands.fournotes.co.uk/Pieces.html. Neal's mate Phil is going to do some photos for the album too, and it won't be 'officially' released until it all comes together. I'm pretty pleased with the vocals, and even some of the guitar playing.
I'm now full speed ahead on 'Humanisation', a new 'Empty Vessel' song. It's all about the dehumanising effect that religion can sometimes have: and I know all about that. Been there, got the t-shirt.
Saturday 7 February 2009
Oxford
I've been in Oxford. At least I think I've been in Oxford. I woke up on the train home with a return ticket to Oxford in my pocket. I can't really remember much except I think I may have been swimming in the Thames. Also something about a spaceship in the shape of an insect.
Saturday 31 January 2009
miranda
little points of light like diamonds where is he now you can't tell me i don't know no-one knows three colours, red gold and blue - ha fooled you there didn't i strange how it always rains on the ones who don't like water three down, just little boxes playing their story over and over and over again, what happened next that's what i'd like to know but it still didn't explain where he is now - maybe he just dissolved away into raindrops or he got lost in the maze in Warren Street
Graham Again
"Dear Robert,
"I have just checked your blog and I am SO delighted to hear that you are well - I'll be totally honest this did bring a tear to my eye (the kind of tears that are good!).
"You are quite correct that I do care about you and ALWAYS will, we've been through so much together (both good and bad) and regardless of what happens in the future I will always think of you with much fondness. I know you hate it when people complement you (almost as much as when you receive criticism!) but like it or not you ARE a genius (in the real sense of the word) unfortunately true genius always comes with a price - as I said earlier I am so pleased that you are well but as you know, you are bound to have 'off days', just remember that there ARE people who really do care about you.
"I very much look forward to hearing more of your music. Take care of yourself my good friend, Graham."
Big soppy git.
"I have just checked your blog and I am SO delighted to hear that you are well - I'll be totally honest this did bring a tear to my eye (the kind of tears that are good!).
"You are quite correct that I do care about you and ALWAYS will, we've been through so much together (both good and bad) and regardless of what happens in the future I will always think of you with much fondness. I know you hate it when people complement you (almost as much as when you receive criticism!) but like it or not you ARE a genius (in the real sense of the word) unfortunately true genius always comes with a price - as I said earlier I am so pleased that you are well but as you know, you are bound to have 'off days', just remember that there ARE people who really do care about you.
"I very much look forward to hearing more of your music. Take care of yourself my good friend, Graham."
Big soppy git.
Thursday 29 January 2009
Guitar solos
One of the reasons progress has been fairly slow on 'The Empty Vessel' is that I've been working on Neal's 'Electronic Voice Phenomenon' project. And, as ever, things take a whole lot longer than you expect.
One of the things that's been fun on that project is that I've played guitar. I haven't said much about what instruments I play - I like to say that I play lots of instruments badly. I used to compose everything on keyboards, and I still play keyboards a bit, but mostly nowadays I write on the guitar. But what I've hardly done much of is lead guitar. Obviously Zed used to do all that stuff in the old days. I stuck to rhythm stuff.
But on 'A Hole In My Life' I get to have a bash at a bit of a guitar solo. And if I say so myself it ain't half bad. Well, I like it anyway. I'd like to know other people's views, of course.
You can hear the final mix of the song here:
http://www.fournotes.co.uk/mp3/AHoleInMyLife.mp3. Apparently all but two of the final mixes are now done - all that remains are the photos, which a friend of Neal's is doing. And then I can concentrate on 'The Empty Vessel' again!!!
BTW I received an email from Graham today - that will feature in my next blog entry.
One of the things that's been fun on that project is that I've played guitar. I haven't said much about what instruments I play - I like to say that I play lots of instruments badly. I used to compose everything on keyboards, and I still play keyboards a bit, but mostly nowadays I write on the guitar. But what I've hardly done much of is lead guitar. Obviously Zed used to do all that stuff in the old days. I stuck to rhythm stuff.
But on 'A Hole In My Life' I get to have a bash at a bit of a guitar solo. And if I say so myself it ain't half bad. Well, I like it anyway. I'd like to know other people's views, of course.
You can hear the final mix of the song here:
http://www.fournotes.co.uk/mp3/AHoleInMyLife.mp3. Apparently all but two of the final mixes are now done - all that remains are the photos, which a friend of Neal's is doing. And then I can concentrate on 'The Empty Vessel' again!!!
BTW I received an email from Graham today - that will feature in my next blog entry.
Monday 19 January 2009
Beth
Today I met Beth at London Victoria station.
I was in the queue at Burger King, trying to grab something to eat as I came home after a meeting with my publisher. It was just my turn to order, when someone in a mad rush lunged in from the side. Fortunately, before I could get cross and launch into a railway rage moment, I recognised her. I think we were both as surprised as each other.
She seemed really, really, genuinely pleased to see me. Bear in mind that we haven't actually seen each other for more than twenty years. And although she was clearly in a rush, she took time out and went for a coffee. There was a great deal to talk about - and, yes, she has seen Jen recently, and knows all about what's been going on.
But here's the best bit. Beth's kids (she has two, a boy and a girl, in case you're interested) have all but grown up and she's finding she has a lot more time on her hands. She's never managed to make much of a career of composing, though she's had some minor successes here and there, but - I can hardly write this - she's interested in helping me out with The Empty Vessel stuff. She stopped short of calling this a band reunion, but...how official do you need it to be?
Jen, Graham - do you feel the inevitable draw back to the band? I promise I'll behave this time.
I was in the queue at Burger King, trying to grab something to eat as I came home after a meeting with my publisher. It was just my turn to order, when someone in a mad rush lunged in from the side. Fortunately, before I could get cross and launch into a railway rage moment, I recognised her. I think we were both as surprised as each other.
She seemed really, really, genuinely pleased to see me. Bear in mind that we haven't actually seen each other for more than twenty years. And although she was clearly in a rush, she took time out and went for a coffee. There was a great deal to talk about - and, yes, she has seen Jen recently, and knows all about what's been going on.
But here's the best bit. Beth's kids (she has two, a boy and a girl, in case you're interested) have all but grown up and she's finding she has a lot more time on her hands. She's never managed to make much of a career of composing, though she's had some minor successes here and there, but - I can hardly write this - she's interested in helping me out with The Empty Vessel stuff. She stopped short of calling this a band reunion, but...how official do you need it to be?
Jen, Graham - do you feel the inevitable draw back to the band? I promise I'll behave this time.
Tuesday 6 January 2009
Time to come clean
Not everything I have written in this blog is actually true.
You may have noticed that I have been absent since October. Where I have been is the same place I was when I was absent for so long last year. No, I didn't go to Poland to try and find Zed, and no, I didn't find him. The truth is that from time to time I suffer from what I shall delusional episodes, and it can sometimes take months to recover from them.
It's now over two years since starting this blog, and the Empty Vessel Project. I haven't achieved all that I've hoped to achieve, but I'm pretty happy that there's now at least a small representation of the band's work on the internet. I have drawn closer again to Jen and Graham, and then pushed them away again. Which is a big shame. When I look at Graham's recent communication (http://robertfenn.blogspot.com/2008/09/email-from-graham.html) I can see nothing now but genuine friendship and concern. Of course, they both knew everything - and in fact this is the real reason in the end that the band, and my marriage to Jen broke up.
Jen, Graham - I'm sorry, OK?
So where does this leave me? I'd still like to know where Zed is, but I know now I mustn't get obsessed by it. So, finally, I'm going to leave it alone. If he wants to get in touch, he will. In the meantime, I've got a life to live. I still want to write, record and play the music I love. If I can do that without messing up every single relationship I've ever had then I will consider myself very successful.
You may have noticed that I have been absent since October. Where I have been is the same place I was when I was absent for so long last year. No, I didn't go to Poland to try and find Zed, and no, I didn't find him. The truth is that from time to time I suffer from what I shall delusional episodes, and it can sometimes take months to recover from them.
It's now over two years since starting this blog, and the Empty Vessel Project. I haven't achieved all that I've hoped to achieve, but I'm pretty happy that there's now at least a small representation of the band's work on the internet. I have drawn closer again to Jen and Graham, and then pushed them away again. Which is a big shame. When I look at Graham's recent communication (http://robertfenn.blogspot.com/2008/09/email-from-graham.html) I can see nothing now but genuine friendship and concern. Of course, they both knew everything - and in fact this is the real reason in the end that the band, and my marriage to Jen broke up.
Jen, Graham - I'm sorry, OK?
So where does this leave me? I'd still like to know where Zed is, but I know now I mustn't get obsessed by it. So, finally, I'm going to leave it alone. If he wants to get in touch, he will. In the meantime, I've got a life to live. I still want to write, record and play the music I love. If I can do that without messing up every single relationship I've ever had then I will consider myself very successful.
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