Sunday lunch chez Graham

I am seriously spooked.

I took up Graham on his offer of lunch. He lives in a nice four-bedroom detached house. Everything is very clean and tidy. His kids are very nice, and his wife is very nice. But there are a couple of oddities.

First, in the double garage there's a red sports car covered with a tarpaulin - and I could see a 'Ferrari' badge. Graham's escape? Maybe.

Secondly, the fourth bedroom is a music room professionally soundproofed with a really smart drumkit in the centre. Also in this room there are a couple of keyboards and a couple of left-handed basses. BUT most odd is a beautiful RIGHT-handed fender strat that is finished to look like the cover of 'In the Court of the Crimson King'.

Now, some facts:

1) Graham never got on with guitars because he always said "you need girly hands to play guitar" - yeah, right.

2) Graham supposedly gave up music.

3) Jen is left-handed. Is Graham recording stuff with Jen?

4) "In the Court of the Crimson King" was Zed's all time favourite album. Graham knows this. Either he's deliberately winding me up, or he's in contact with Zed. I can think of no other explanation that makes sense.

Call me paranoid, but is my entire band recording stuff behind my back? What's going on here?

A long letter from Graham

Dear Robert,

An interesting last post (15th Sept) - be careful my friend, that was almost an apology! I repeat once again that you have NOTHING to apologise for. You seem to value my opinion but then when I criticise constructively you go off on one of your regular forays into paranoia. Lets deal with a few points.

1. Sorry if what I said about 'Face pt 4' you didn't like. My overall criticism was that putting up a section of a longer piece I find rather odd. 'Face' was a beautiful piece of music and just putting up a bit of it made no sense. Would you listen to just 5 minutes of Suppers Ready?

2. I am not in the least bit possessive about 'I keep the one I love in the freezer' so attempting to insult it doesn't upset me one jot. However your memory appears to once again be rather distorted. You suggest it is like a 'pop song' - hmmm. If you remember when I wrote it I really was not in the least bit happy with it but was told "man, this will be one of the best songs we've ever done, we've got to include it" - now I wonder who said that - ah yes it was you. It was also you who suggested that this song feature at almost every gig because "the fans love it and I love singing it" (again a quote from you). True over time I did become fond of this piece, mostly thanks to praise received from fans and the rest of the band yourself included. You will recall that I never wanted to call it "I keep the one I love in the freezer" and I think it possibly annoyed you that I never told you what it was about. This was not just to wind you up, this is because of a fundamental belief I have that it doesn't matter what the writer thinks it's about - it is what it means to the listener. You have chosen to interpret it to be about some sicko murderer which I think says a lot more about you than it does me. Have another read of the lyrics - could it mean anything else?

3. As I said at the start of my message - you don't have anything to apologise for but I must be totally honest that I was rather offended that you thought it was me who sent you an email from Zed. You logic here beggars belief - why would someone who is so "lacking in imagination and just plain dull" (your blog Aug 8th) do something like this?

4. Without You. Well done my friend. I have always adored this piece and I think you have done a reasonable job. True the drums are appalling but this is not your fault - I have yet to hear convincing 'computer drums'. One thing I think you got wrong was the tempo - was this supposed to be an amphetamine induced version? I think it could do with some severe slowing down (please note this is supposed to be CONSTRUCTIVE criticism - so please attempt to hold back you tirade of abuse).

Finally, I am sorry if my 'normal' life offends you (Bank Manager is surprisingly close) I have a wife whom I adore and 2 fantastic kids and overall I have never been happier - but don't take my word for it. We sit down every Sunday for a family roast (I hate to blow my own trumpet but I do a mean roast dinner) and I'd like to invite you along to join us at your convenience if you can stand the drudgery. If money is tight, just let me know I will be more than happy to pay your train fare (I'm assuming that you still refuse to drive anywhere). Any Sunday is good for us.

As always I will end by wishing you nothing but the best and I hope I am wrong in anticipating another vitriolic and scathing reply on your blog.

Graham.